Time May Change Me But I Can't Trace Time
Updated: Nov 8, 2019
As today is still the beginning of a new challenge, I wanted it to be an exciting, philosophical, or educational post, but I can't focus on that currently. This blog post is not going to be entertaining. This is simply a public documentation of my current struggles, written for my future self.
The past few weeks have been troubling, and all-consuming of my thoughts.
Throughout my growing up, I was an odd child. I didn't want to grow up. I wanted the constant of my day to day activities to be permanent. I loved my parents, I loved my animals, my friends, and didn't want that to change. At six years old I ran to mother in a panic about my fleeting youth.
Growing up had always been a source of anxiety, not excitement and freedom.
In high school, I was able to grasp more of what my future would be. The uncertainty of my job and adulthood certainly played a role in my struggle to want to be an adult. In high school, I began to recognize and accept certain things as inevitable. My parents will always love me, I will always love my parents, I have to grow up, my relationships will change.
I have largely accepted the first three.
The friends you make throughout your life are generally made due to commonalities and compatible personality types. In school, the commonality is just that, school. The friendships, relationships, and bonds you make can be incredibly strong, but they're going to change, everyone's does. Not a bad or a good thing, just a fact. You can know this rationally, but when it actually happens it hits you in the chest and you feel like you can't breathe.
You love all your friends, but you're finding who you are, as are they. You still love each other. Maybe you'll be lucky and still have so much in common, and start going down similar paths. For me, this wasn't the case. There was a deeply unsettling reality that came about. It wasn't that things were going to change, it was that they were already changing. I was realizing it when I had already been swept up.
Everyone is making new friends, starting a new life, and I'm stuck. Petrified of the future. I'm also doing all of these things, making new friends, figuring everything out. I'm stuck in my head remembering the past and feel too aware of the changes in my relationships. I logically know this is normal, but it stings.
There have been mishaps in my process of accepting this, but I am trying to be as honest with myself and everyone else as I can be. I'm just going through it right now, but I'm trying.