• caedynwheeler

Trial in Accountability

Day 7

Until recently, I've never found myself to be an open book. I've noticed this because others around me found my new found transparency odd. Of course, I've been transparent in appropriate situations, but my general lack of shame was something that surprised even myself. I can't help what I feel and think and acknowledged that to myself and others.

A few years ago I considered the sharing of thoughts akin to being naked in front of someone. It didn't make me feel better to tell people things, it made me feel exposed. Recently, I've had a lot of time to myself, too much time in fact. I would already consider myself to be quite reflective, and the time spent with myself has amplified that. I've found empowerment in honesty. Previously, when I shared something with someone it was always uncomfortable, awkward, and I regretted it. Lately, I've accepted that I'm human. I make mistakes, obviously, and I feel how I feel. The radical honesty I've allowed myself makes me feel freer. I'm not embarrassed to be human.

Thus far in my daily blogging, I've stayed true to what was on my mind and what would put me in a flow state at that moment, and while my writing is by no means perfect, I think it allows for better writing than something forced. I wrote about economics yesterday because I was inspired to, it wasn't forced. I want to be an honest writer.

With the extensive debrief above, I'm in a rut. I've been sleeping in too late, not eating enough, not reading enough, or exercising enough. The "too much time" I've spent with myself allowed me to acknowledge that. I'm tired of it. I don't want to get in my own way. Since this is the worst rut I've been in in a while, I'll set my standards to be realistic, but high enough to make a difference.

By this time next week, I will have woken up at the same time every day, eaten three meals a day, read two chapters of The War of Art every day, and exercised at least 15 minutes every day. I'm going to get my groove back. I'm not going to wait for some third party to hand me a solution on a silver platter, I need to do this for myself. ( I hope the debrief explains all my recent posts relating to self-improvement).

There's always room for improvement, as cliche as it sounds. I'm an adult, I'm going to act like one. It's my life and I'm going to take ownership of it. I know there will be ups and downs, but there won't be any ups if I don't even try. Self-improvement is an ongoing battle but gets easier the more effort you put in. Thanks for reading.

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